When you’re talking about long term relationships, even the happiest couples have disagreements now and then. Even Santa and Mrs. Claus. Here’s your chance to eavesdrop on your favorite Christmas icons.

A Conversation With Santa and Mrs. Claus

“Oh boy, Mama, what smells so delicious? More chocolate chip cookies? You know how I love them warm from the oven…”

“Keep your hands off! This batch is for the elves.”

“Ouch! You didn’t have to hit me. What’s gotten into you, Mama?”

“Nothing’s gotten into me. I’m the same as I always am, stuck in the kitchen, baking goodies for you to get fat on.”

“That’s not true. You don’t spend all of your time in the kitchen.”

“Oh, you’re right. I get to go into the sewing room and mend that old red suit of yours that you keep tearing every time you go down one of those chimneys. Maybe if you didn’t eat so many cookies you could save a little wear and tear on that suit. And I almost forgot, when I’m not busy with cleaning and mending your clothes, there are always hundreds of tiny elfin uniforms waiting for me.”

“I didn’t realize you were so unhappy. I thought everyone was content here at the North Pole.”

“Unhappy? Just because we’ve been married for over 300 years and you’ve never once taken me out to dinner on our anniversary? ‘Oh, let’s get married on Christmas Eve,’ you said, ‘that way I’ll never forget our anniversary.’ Ha! Every year, I’m stuck here all alone while you gallivant around the world making a name for yourself. Why who knows what you’re really doing all night? I’ve seen those Victoria Secrets catalogs. For all I know, you could be meeting with scantily clad women all over the world for a quickie in each house you drop into. I’m sick and tired of it, do you hear? Sick and tired!

“Now, now, Mama, don’t cry. You know you’re the only woman in the world for me. No one could hold a candle to you. You’re giving me way too much credit—even with my magic I don’t have that kind of prowess! Ho! Ho! Ho! At every house? I’d have been dead years ago! For goodness sake, why did you wait so long to tell me?”

“Well, you’re supposed to be able to read minds, aren’t you? ‘He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been bad or good…’”

“Mama, Mama, you don’t believe all that hype, do you? We’ve got fancy surveillance equipment set up everywhere. How else do you think I could manage such a feat? I tell you what—why don’t you come with me this year then you can see exactly what I do? Maybe you won’t think it’s such a joyride when the night’s over after all.”

“Do you mean it? You wouldn’t mind?”

“Of course, I mean it. I’ll tell Patch to add a couple of extra reindeer to the line-up so we don’t lose any time.”

“Are you saying I’m fat?”

“No, no, dear. It’s just the reindeer have become a bunch of slackers since the union took over. Don’t want to give them any excuse to strike on Christmas Eve. The repercussions would be world wide.”

“Well, if you really mean it, I’d love to come along. Do you think we could stop for dinner on the way home?”

“Only if you promise to be the dessert, Sweetheart.”

“Oh, Santa, I do love you.”

~Elise Skidmore ©2019

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