Yes, you read that right. It does say vegetarian vampires.

Okay, I’ll admit it. I’m getting pretty excited about the upcoming release of A DANVegetarian VampiresCE OF DREAMS. I needed some distraction so I went digging into my short story files again. In a post from a few weeks ago I explained how in days past I used to sometimes write short-short stories from topics created by a story generator program. I remembered I’d also done a couple of these short-shorts that fit in with October’s Halloween theme, and since they’re both less than 500 words, I decided to share both of them with you now. Please note, these are more vignettes than full-blown stories, but I think they’re amusing and I hope they make you smile. I’ve included the story generator’s prompts, so you know just where these particular ideas came from.

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Prompt #1– Write a fantasy story where three vegetarian vampires take a job hunting werewolves in an asylum.

It Happened One Night
Louis and Damon leaned against the open tailgate of the antique Dodge pickup that was parked deep in the bowels of the underground garage. Wooden crates, piled high with freshly picked fruits and vegetables, filled the bed of the truck.

“Where the hell is Marshall?” snapped Louis. “It’s been dark for an hour. I’d be starving to death, if I wasn’t dead already.”

Damon shrugged. He grabbed a plump red tomato from one of the crates and threw it at his gaunt companion. “Here! If your blood sugar gets too low, you’ll be of no use to any of us.”

Louis opened his mouth wide and dug his fangs into the tomato. The bright red slowly left the fruit as if he sipped it through a straw which, in a way, he had. He flung the pale, translucent scrap of tomato into a nearby dumpster. He looked calmer, but still annoyed. Damon reached into another crate, keeping his back to Louis, who had started whining again.

“I can’t help it, Damon. In the old days when we fed on real blood, this wasn’t a problem. Now that we’ve all turned vegetarian to avoid the AIDS poison, I’m always hungry.”

Damon spun around to face him; his jaw stretched wider than humanly possible, his mouth wedged open by two carrot sticks positioned between his fangs. He stuck his thumbs in his ears and wiggled his fingers at Louis, who doubled over, clutching his sides, his laughter echoing against the concrete.

“Started the party without me, eh?” asked Marshall, who seemed to materialize out of thin air. He stepped between his comrades and plucked several plump eggplants from the truck, drained them hastily, then threw the remains over his shoulder into the dumpster. “Eat up, boys. You’re going to need your energy.”

“You found us another position?” asked Damon.

“Oh please, tell me it’s not another haunted house,” whined Louis. “After that last time, I don’t want to investigate another haunting as long as I live.”

“Not a problem,” Marshall said dryly. “You’re dead, remember?” With a wave of his hand, he held off further questions. “Calm yourself, Louis…no ghosts will slime you this time.”

Damon handed Marshall a basket of strawberries. “What’s it to be this time then?” he asked.

Marshall sucked several of the strawberries dry and moaned with delight. “You’re going to love this,” he cooed.

“TELL US!” Louis clamped his hand over his mouth, embarrassed as his impatience echoed in the empty garage.

“It’s the perfect case. We get paid for the entire month and only actually do any work for a few nights when the moon is full.”

Damon cast him sidelong glance. “Oh, are we spending time in lunatic asylum, Marshall?” he asked, his voice ripe with sarcasm.

“As a matter of fact… You see, there’s this fellow in a padded room and it appears each full cycle of the moon, he turns into a werewolf…”

***

Prompt #2-Write a Romance coming of age story set on an island where 3 vegetarian vampires deliver a baby to an unmarried bartender.

Three very handsome men sat in the corner of the bar, nestled behind the palms, sipping Bloody Marys, and discussing voodoo rituals. If their dark clothing and ghostly complexions seemed out of place for the tropics, no one mentioned it.

“I don’t believe you two.” Louis glowered at Marshall and Damon as if they’d just suggested he walk into the morning sun, then glanced toward the very pregnant young woman who was wiping down the bar. He smiled at her. “You can’t expect me to go to the other side of the island tonight! Leilani could go into labor any minute.”

“You’d better hope she gives birth before sunrise,” Damon said, “unless when you say you want to play with your kid, you mean to be part of his sandbox.”

“Excellent point.” Marshall picked a ripe papaya from the bowl on the table and sank his long canine teeth into it. He sucked the fruit until only the wrinkled skin remained. “Really, Louis, we’ve got a job to do. We came here to find zombies and put them to rest, not for you to fall in love with a voodoo princess.”

“I couldn’t help it,” Louis said. “There’s just something about her. She’s different from anyone I’ve ever met.” Louis’ gaze searched out Leilani, who had momentarily disappeared from view. Marshall and Damon rolled their eyes.

“She’s different, all right,” Damon quipped. “It’s not every woman who can get impregnated by a vampire. I’m still wondering how she managed that.”

“Never mind her,” Marshall said wryly. “I’m still wondering how Louis managed it.”

Before Louis could refute that statement, a scream which would have curdled his blood (if he’d had any) came from behind the bar. Leaping to his feet, he was across the room and beside Leilani in a flash.

“Lestat’s Teeth!” he bellowed, when he saw the girl sitting on the floor with her knees up to her chin and her back pressed against the wall. Sweat dripped down her face as she strained against the pain.

Panicked, he turned to find his friends behind him. “What’ll we do?”

“Don’t look at me, mate,” Damon smirked. “My mother drummed safe sex into my head with the same fervor she pushed potty training.”

Marshall glanced over his friend’s shoulder, then nodded toward the woman. “Doesn’t look like you’ve got to do anything. Seems like Leilani’s got it all under control.”

Hearing a soft wet pop, the men turned to see a small dark body escaping from between Leilani’s thighs. Without any help from her audience, she tied off the umbilical cord and bit through it to separate herself from the child.

“Those were the days.” Damon sighed, his voice thick with nostalgia and envy seeing the blood on the new mother’s lips.

Louis knelt beside Leilani, kissing her cheek. “Are you all right, dearest?”

She nodded, a smile splitting her face. “See your son,” she said, handing Louis the naked infant.

The baby’s mouth opened, displaying the buds of two small canine teeth.

“Congratulations, ol’ man!” Marshall said, clapping Louis on the back. “This calls for a drink. Damon, tomato juice for everyone!”

 
Elise Skidmore ©2009, 2015

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